The Flaming Sword!
Reviews, Opinions & Criticism
Where Mathew and the Helm review books, movies, TV shows, music, games and whatever else tickles their fancy or draws their ire.
2015 Universal Pictures. Directed by James Wan. Running time: 137 minutes. PG13. Starring: Paul Walker, Vin Diesel, Jason Statham, Michelle Rodriguez, Dwayne Johnson, Kurt Russell
Mathew: BAM! Six flaming swords!
Helm: That does not constitute a review and our scale only goes to five.
Mathew: NO! You're out of order! And so what?! Did you see this movie? Because I know you saw this movie!
Helm: Stop hyperventilating. I did see the movie, and it was highly enjoyable, if somewhat cartoonish.
Mathew: Somewhat cartoonish? This was like the cartoons the gods watch! Did you see that thing with the car in the building?!?
Helm: Indeed. You are making my point.
Mathew: No! You're making my point! BAM! Gotcha there!
Helm: How long until I can expect the effects of this movie to wear off?
Mathew: NEVER! Dude, this was so awesome! Did you see that thing with the plane? And that thing with the bus? And that thing The Rock does with his cast?!?
Helm: I saw all of those things and none of them were tremendously believable. My point is that this is not really a thinking man's film.
Mathew: Holy crap, Helm! The Fast and the Furious films aren't about THINKING! They're about fast cars, furious action, the power of family, and pantily-clad women. And Furious 7 delivered on every count!!
Helm: I think you meant to say, "scantily-clad women."
Mathew: No. I meant PANTILY-CLAD! BAM! IN YOUR FACE!
Mathew: There was so much awesome in this movie, I could hardly take it. I nearly squeezed Jill's hand right off during some of the action sequences.
Helm: And the film was essentially just action sequences...
Mathew: You say that like it's a bad thing.
Helm: Well, I do generally prefer a bit of cake with my frosting.
Mathew: Oh, come on! Name one thing wrong with this movie! One thing!
Helm: Well, for starters, I am curious about how so many of the characters manage to survive so many tremendous impacts without sustaining fatal internal injuries, broken spines and shattered bones.
Mathew: Easy! They're super tough and awesome! That's how! They just shrug that stuff off, suck it up and keep fighting. And, for your information, one of the characters does get broken bones! So HA! BAM! IN YOUR FACE!
Helm: Which he is apparently able to simply ignore when it suits him.
Mathew: He doesn't ignore those broken bones, dude, he just cracks 'em back into place and gets down to business! CRRRRRAAAAAAACK!! OH YEAH! That's how it's done!
Helm: Great. Then I can expect the same level of stoic manliness from you the next time one of our foes manages to land a blow? You'll just shrug it off, suck it up and keep fighting? Excellent. I'm glad we saw this film.
Mathew: Holy crap, Helm. It's just a movie.
Four Flaming Swords!!
Six Flaming Swords!!
Helm: We do not allow SIX flaming swords.
Mathew: We do this time! The sixth sword is for Paul Walker. Moment of silence.
Helm: He will be sorely missed.