HelmHop PosterMathew

One and a half Flamers1.5 flamers

2011, Universal Pictures. Directed by Tim Hill. Running time: 90 minutes. PG. Starring: James Marsden, Russell Brand.

Helm: Why did you take me to this film? I understand that it may have appealed to you because it is a film aimed at children and you are a sniveling child, but why did you bring me?

Mathew: Well, because it's got the Easter Bunny in it.

Helm: And?

Mathew: And I thought it would be fun for you because, you know, you can relate to it.

Helm: I related to it as 90 minutes of boring agony. Were you imagining the relationship would take some other form?

Mathew: Well... You're kind of like the Easter Bunny, so I thought you'd like the movie.

Helm: I am like the Easter Bunny?

Mathew: You know, the Easter Bunny is a mythical creature and you're a mythical helmet. Duh.

Helm: I do not believe that you properly understand the definition of the word mythical.

Mathew: Sure I do. It means, like... you know, magical and originating in the mist shrouded legends of the elder days and stuff.

Helm: No it does not. It means without foundation in fact; imaginary; fictitious. The Easter Bunny is mythical. I am a reality.

Mathew: Well, if you're going to quibble...

Helm: QUIBBLE!! The Easter Bunny is a fantasy concocted for children and brought to life in this film as a cute and cuddly teenage imbecile consumed by the desire to play drums in a band rather than fulfill his traditional duty! I am a very real, very ancient and very magical artifact that stands between this world and the tide of darkness that threatens to drown it! I am the helm of the Valhalladrim, the sacred headgear of-

Mathew: Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah. Got it. But what did you think of the movie?

Helm: It was nearly as infuriating, incoherent and thoughtless as you are.

Mathew: So... you didn't like it then?

Helm: No.

Mathew: Not even the part where the rabbit poops jelly beans?

Helm: No.

Mathew: Not even the part with David Hasselhoff?

Helm: Who?

Mathew: This guy. Hoff

Helm: NO!!!

Mathew: Okay, fine. You don't have to yell.

helmOne Flamer One Flaming Sword!!

mathewTwo FlamersTwo Flaming Swords!!

Helm: Two flaming swords? Are you daft.

Mathew: I liked when he pooped the jelly beans and I thought David Hasselhoff was funny.

Helm: But the plotting and story development were so sloppy!

Mathew: The bunny pooped jelly beans and then that one chick ate them. That's worth something in my book. And the little kids in the audience seemed to like it.

Helm: Yourself included.