HelmThree Musketeers 2011Mathew

The Three
Musketeers (2011)

two point five2.5 flamers

2011 Summit Entertainment. Directed by Paul W.S. Anderson. Running time: 142 minutes. PG13. Starring: Logan Lerman, Milla Jovovich, Matthew MacFadyen, Luke Evans, Ray Stevenson, Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Freddy Fox,
Mads Mikkelsen

Helm: This film was a travesty. Dumas is rolling in his grave. They have taken so many liberties with the story that its virtue is completely compromised.

Mathew: I enjoyed it. It was a swashbuckling romp.

Helm: You are a hoddypeak.

Mathew: A hoddypeak?

Helm: A fool. A simpleton. A blockhead.

Mathew: Great. Look, Helm, you can't write this film off just by calling me names. It was fun!

Helm: Ach!

Mathew: Checklist!

1. Action (plenty).

2. A hot babe in her scanties (Mila Jovovich).

3. Sword fighting.

4. Sword fighting on rooftops.

5. Sword fighting with four guys versus a whole army.

6. Sword fighting while swinging from ropes.

7. A bad guy with an eye patch.

8. Ninja-super-spy gizmos.

9. Airships designed by Leonardo DaVinci.

10. Scubadiving dudes in armor.

11. Indiana Jones style traps.

Helm: STOP! STOP! I cry foul! 2, 5, 8, 9, 10 and 11 are not elements of The Three Musketeers! That is over half of the elements in question! I have read the book repeatedly. None of these things appear in it anywhere!

Mathew: So now you're going to split hairs about a few minor historical details?


Mathew: Dude. It is so rude to yell when you are talking telepathically. You're hurting my brain.

Helm: I question that you actually have any brain to injure.

Mathew: Look. So they played a little loosey-goosey with stuff. It was fiction to start with. It's not like the movie was called European History 101. It's not like the characters were real guys or anything.

Helm: It was historical fiction! HISTORICAL! Louis XIII was a "real guy". He was the king of France and known as Louis "the just". Far from the prancing mammothrept portrayed in the film, he was a wise and intelligent ruler, and though he may have been something of a gad, was also a fine and fearsome warrior. Cardinal Richelieu was a "real guy". Queen Anne of Austria was a-

Mathew: Blah blah blah.

Helm: Brilliant retort.

Mathew: The film was a re-imagining. Like a steampunk version of The Three Musketeers.

Helm: Then they should have re-imagined the title. Perhaps they could have called it The Steam Punketeers, or The Three Anachronists, or The Fake Past.

Mathew: Whatever, you spoilsport. What do you give the movie?

helmone point fiveOne and a half Flaming Swords!!

mathewthree point fiveThree and a half Flaming Swords!!

Mathew: I didn't mind a little messing with the past.

Helm: Even if I could forgive that transgression, what of the casting of D'Artagnan? The shaggy headed child they used was inexcusable.

Mathew: I thought he did okay.

Helm: You thought Louis XIII was fictional.

Mathew: Touché. But it was still fun.

Helm: It was a trifle fun.