HelmTed PosterMathew

four flaming swords4 flamers

2012 Universal Pictures. Directed by Seth MacFarlane. Running time: 106 minutes. R. Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Mila Kunis, Seth MacFarlane

Mathew: This movie was hilarious! I laughed so hard I spit my soda on the lady in front of me! Pure awesomeness! Seth MacFarlane is a genius!

Helm: An evil genius. How else did he obtain the demon that played the role of the talking bear?

Mathew: What? Helm! That wasn't a demon. It was special effects.

Helm: So you say, but I examined that bear in minute detail and I could see the spark of life in its eyes. That was no special effect.

Mathew: You are so stupid it's embarrassing.

Helm: Oh, I am the stupid one, am I? We shall see who is laughing when you wake to find that bear's cute, furry paws encircling your throat.

Mathew: Fine. Whatever. But can you please review the movie?

Helm: T'was funny, I concede.

Mathew: Funny? Dude! This movie was super-hilarious! It was super-hyper-hilarious!

Helm: There were, indeed, many moments of off-color ribaldry and perverse japes.

Mathew: It was wall to wall hilarity! Like that scene when they're cleaning up the floor in their apartment! Or the fight scene? Or the whole Flash Gordon business? I nearly fell out of my seat.

Helm: Did you not find much of it somewhat... sick?

Mathew: Damn it, Helm! That's the point! It was funny because it was so sick!

Helm: You are childish and easily amused by juvenile tomfoolery.

Mathew: Hey. Don't you write this off as juvenile! This was art!

Helm: Art?

Mathew: Yeah dude! It's not just the fart jokes and swearing that made this movie so funny. It was the juxtaposition of those elements within a framework of sweet, innocent joy. That's what gave the film all its depth. It was like a joyful fart.

Helm: This film had depth? Are you certain?

Mathew: This film had depth coming out its butt, Helm.

Helm: Somehow, that does not sound as positive as I believe you intended it to be.

helmthree flamersThree Flaming Swords!!

mathewfive flamersFive Flaming Swords!!

Helm: I still believe the bear was a demon. It had to be. No special effects can convey that kind of emotional nuance. You merely had to gaze into its eyes to know.

Mathew: Yeah. That bear had emotional nuance coming out his butt.