HelmJack the Giant Slayer PosterMathew

Jack the Giant Slayer

three point five3 flamers

2013 Warner Bros. Directed by Bryan Singer. Running time:154 minutes. PG 13. Starring Nicholas Hoult, Eleanor Tomlinson, Ewan McGregor, Stanley Tucci, Ian McShane.

Mathew: So, I don't know why this movie was such a big flop. I enjoyed it.

Helm: Technically, it appears to have been a big flop because very few people actually saw it in relation to how much it cost to make. I have read that it cost nearly $200 million and drew only $28 million in its opening weekend. So, flop.

Mathew: Duh. I meant, I don't get why so few people went to see it. It was fun.

Helm: I agree.

Mathew: I mean, it had cool giants biting dudes heads off...

Helm: Check.

Mathew: More than once. There was a substantial amount of head-biting-off. And the actors all seemed pretty committed to their roles...

Helm: Check.

Mathew: Like Ewan McGregor. His Elmont character was funny and kinda awesome! Also, there was some nice fight action...

Helm: Check.

Mathew: Totally dug the big battle. And there were some funny lines...

Helm: Check.

Mathew: "Why do people bother screaming right before they die?" That line killed me. So I don't get it! What didn't people like about this movie?

Helm: Ian McShane's ridiculous helmet? How clean all the peasants were? The gratuitously ambiguous final sequence? The lack of investment in the ancillary characters?

Mathew: Okay, sure... but that stuff is all just minor stuff. It's "who gives a crap" stuff. I mean, the story was a pretty good re-imagining of the Jack and the Bean Stalk story, it was pretty well paced, it wasn't too gross, but it wasn't too tame...

Helm: Perhaps the film suffered from being not too anything?

Mathew: I guess.

Helm: Did you love it?

Mathew: No, but I liked it.

Helm: As did I. Would you recommend it?

Mathew: Sure. I mean, yeah... I guess.

Helm: And there is the weakness. It was pretty good. It was pretty enjoyable. It was a solid bit of entertainment. But did it mean anything?

Mathew: What?

Helm: Did it mean anything, or was it just about what was happening on the screen at the moment it was happening on the screen.

Mathew: Dude. Are you being deep?

Helm: A little. But answer the question. Did the movie move you or just entertain you?

Mathew: Fine. I concede the point.

Helm: It wasn't like Scott Pilgrim or Kick Ass.

Mathew: Yeah. Got it.

Helm: Or Toy Story 3, or even Cabin in the Woods...

Mathew: Enough. I get it. Point made. Let's just rate the thing.

helmThree FlamersThree Flaming Swords!!

mathewThree FlamersThree Flaming Swords!!

Mathew: I still think it should have done better.

Helm: That is exactly how I feel about you.