HelmThor PosterMathew


Three Point Two Five Flamers3.25 flamers

2011, Paramount Pictures. Directed by Kenneth Branagh. Running time: 115 minutes. PG13. Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Anthony Hopkins.

Mathew: So, what'd you think of Thor?

Helm: Think of Thor?! I think the real Thor will be angered that his wife, Sif, is not given her proper due!

Mathew: Helm, you promised.

Helm: I think the real Thor will be wrathful at how Asgard is portrayed!

Mathew: Lay off it, Helm.

Helm: I think the real Thor will be seething that his hair has been depicted as golden rather than red!

Mathew: Oh my god! Enough with the nitpicking! Red, gold, who cares!

Helm: Listen Mathew, Thor cares! I know Thor and he will be furious at these inaccuracies! Worse, he will be deeply wounded that his beloved goats, Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr, have been left out of the story entirely!

Mathew: You've been going on like this since the movie ended! Enough already! People don't want to hear what you think Thor thinks. They want to hear about the movie Thor so they can figure out if they want to see it.

Helm: I know, I know. Yet it is difficult to be objective where one's brother warrior is involved. Ah, how I long for the thrill of striding into battle beside the Thunderer once more! To see Mjöllnir whistling through the air, hear the sharp report of enemy skulls exploding from its impact, feel the warm spray of blood and brains, taste the-

Mathew: Gross. And, off topic. So fine, I guess I'll go first. I thought the film was pretty enjoyable. It's no Iron Man number one, but I had fun. Nice effects, solid action and the foxy Natalie Portman round it out to a solid "B" level epic.

Helm: The real Thor would be mad that the beginning and the ending were somewhat uninvolving and ponderous.

Mathew: That's... Actually, that's a fair comment. I agree that both the beginning and the ending kind of dragged a bit. But that hour in the middle was super solid! A good mix of action, laughs, drama and explosions.

Helm: The real Thor would be disappointed that he was not allowed greater character development and a more convincing arc of personal growth.

Mathew: Well well! Now you're talking! Again, I agree. I felt the Thor character was a little shallow and underdeveloped! Bravo, Helm.

Helm: Actually, I think the real Thor would have expected better character development from Kenneth Branagh. He has done such fine work directing the Shakespeare plays, and on his often overlooked gem, Dead Again. Actually, I am surprised that he directed this film.

Mathew: Now you're kind of freaking me out. When did you watch those movies? How do you know anything about Kenneth Branagh?

Helm: You fall asleep in front of the television entirely too often and I have learned to work the channel changer with my powers.

Mathew: Well, look dude. I'm pretty sure the studio guys hired Kenneth Branagh because they don't know the difference between Shakespeare and Norse mythology. It's all just dudes in armor with funny accents to them. But I thought Kenneth did all right.

Helm: I suppose. Still, the real Thor would have been disappointed by the less than imaginative use of 3-D.

Mathew: Wow! You're batting a thousand, Helm! I agree again! Maybe you should do all of your reviews by imaging what Thor would think.

helmThree Flamers Three Flaming Swords!!

mathewThree and a halfThree & a Half Flaming Swords!!

Helm: Thor would think you are a weakling and an idiot.

Mathew: And, back to being a jerk.